100 Bullshit Jobs ...And How to Get Them

Description

What do being a feng shui advisor, marketing consultant, and vice president of the United States have in common? The inimitable Stanley Bing presents a tasteful pile of these and other bullshit jobs, and explains how to snag one for yourself. From bestselling author and business guru Stanley Bing comes an indispensable guide for the contemporary working person—specifically, a worker who is ambitious, greedy, and lazy. In his helpful, witty, straight-shooting style, Bing, who based his entire career and several bestselling books on his own very special brand of bullshit, guides the reader through a plethora of bullshit jobs that pay well and demand very little knowledge or effort. Walmart greeters, executive headhunters, aromatherapists: The people lucky enough to have secured this type of bullshit employment are everywhere, in virtually every field—from ayurvedic healing to zoo management. Bing’s handy reference explains the myriad benefits of such bullshit ways to earn a living, and details steps readers should take to land a bullshit job of their own. Cover About the Author Title Dedication Epigraph Contents Serious Introductory Bullshit Calculating ß: The Bullshit Quotient of Your Job Advertising Executive Create perceived need/value for inherently generic or worthless products Agent Talk on phone, take percentage Allergist Inject placebos to offset hypochondria in children Anything Emeritus Live on laurels Aquarium Cleaner for the Rich Dredge fish feces out of tanks nicer than most people’s apartments Aromatherapist Use smelly things to make people feel better Ayurvedic Healer Ayurveda is an ancient science based upon effecting a balance between body, mind, and spirit to reduce susceptibility to disease in ailing ex-hippies Backup Dancer Dance behind people’s behinds, provide controlled substances, marry pop tarts Barista Prepare doses for crazed acolytes of the bean Being a Brand Become the personal embodiment of a product or service Being Donald Trump Arguably the No. 1 bullshit artist on the planet Best-selling Author Crank it out Blogger Download contents of your mind, even when there aren’t any Book Editor Take breakfast meeting with writers, assign ideas generated by others, hound writers for manuscripts, have lunch, hound writers for manuscripts, have drinks and dinner. Repeat as necessary. Boulevardier Frequent the most fashionable places, enjoy the company of fatuous people who are impressed with you and use your social cachet as their own, or vice versa Business Book Author Make poor slobs feel more in control Cable News Demagogue Deliver highly opinionated news and views to people who don’t want to hear anything that disagrees with them Celebrity Stylist / Aesthetic Consultant Create a look for people who want to be looked at Celebutante Be fabulous and scandalous and famous and hot! Certified Massage Therapist Rub other people the right way Chairman Visionary, autocrat, delegator Cheese Artisan Sculpt milk products for upscale restaurants and pretentious markets Closet Organizer Organize closets for people who can’t organize their own closets Cold Caller Honk on the phone all day, trying to sell people things they don’t need Computer Game Tester Frag zombies Construction Site Flag Waver Stand in street and cause confusion Consultant Have gun, will travel Contractor Manage subcontractors, leave when job is 75 percent done Corporate Yes-Man Help senior management feel good about itself Critic Suck thumb for big bucks Crumber Remove detritus from dining tables in restaurants Customer Service Representative, Canned Food Company Take complaints, apologize when there are no maraschino cherries in the fruit cocktail, compensate with coupons Diet Doctor Inspire fat people to buy books Dolphin Trainer Get aquatic mammals to smile for Kodak moments Economist Generate conflicting opinions “Escort” Give the people what they want Executive Vice President, New Media Sell vaporware to space cadets Expert Witness Testify what you’re paid to Feng Shui Consultant Show people how to improve their home, work, and sex life by arranging their physical surroundings in ways that are in harmony with the universe Food Critic Life is one big doggie bag Funeral Director Feast on grief, sell related inventory Game Show Host Smile, read cue cards, sock it away Greeter / Cuer Say hello to people when they come into a store, say hello to people when they come into the store . . . Guru Explain meaning of the universe to people who require it Handler Pave the way for the rich and pesky Handwriting Analyst Profile human behavior. Interpret meaningless chicken scratches without laughing. Headhunter Put big jobs together with big people, at about the rate at which an elephant gestates HMO Health Care Professional See sick people, get rid of them Human Billboard Sell body space to interested morons Industrial Psychologist Utilize principles of behavioral psychology at the behest of senior management to manipulate minds of unsuspecting employees Infomercial Spokesperson / Celebrity Pitchman Lend personal imprimatur to sell crap in paid programming time Insurance Broker Bore and frighten people into purchasing insurance Investment Banker Strumpet of capital Lawyer Manipulate the legal system for the benefit of oneself and one’s clients Life Coach Take over hapless people’s entire existence and reshape it in ways that you think are good for them Mail Order / Online Minister Help people get married, do baptisms and funerals, and perform other popular, lucrative functions after minimal online ordination Marriage Counselor Help people complete the destruction of their marriage McKinsey Hit Man Advise senior management how to keep bonuses by cutting overhead; act as pod person, replacing middle management with other McKinseyites Media Trainer Turn Crows into Songbirds Meteorologist on TV Look good, play with map Mogul Make tons of money for self/others, foam at mouth, be envied and despised Mogul / Rock Star / Celebrity’s Ex Party on! Motivational Speaker Fill people with hope for five minutes Palm Reader / Psychic / Astrologer / Tarot Reader, Etc. Predict any future you desire for the credulous Patent Troll Purchase dead patents for peanuts, sue real company, make billions Performance Artist Explore the relationship between art and publicity Perfume Schpritzer Spray airborne scents at shocked passers-by Personal Publicist Manage the image of those who would have none without you Personal Trainer Build average humans into gorgeous beasts, have sex with as many as you like, marry some of them for brief periods of time Pet Psychic Read minds of beloved animals, who have no sentient thoughts, and convey them to besotted owners, who are in basically the same condition Poet Drink, write very little, diddle students, generally have license to misbehave while sponging off friends and other nonprofit organizations Poker Teacher Teach losers how to play cards Political Reverend Turn public issues to personal advantage Politician Represent the interests of those who will pay to get you elected Pollster / Market Researcher Ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer Pop Tart Produce product for music industry; become product for publicity industry Posse Dude Stand around looking large Postmodern Artist Provide corporate and industrial art for those in need of interior decoration Quantum Physicist / String Theorist Produce theories about the nature of the universe that are not amenable to proof by normal human means Raw Chef Give other people food designed solely for the purpose of keeping them regular Realtor Do nothing till you hear from me Right-Wing Radio Talk Show Host Entertain millions of listeners while helping them feel good about their prejudices Ringmaster Wear top hat, strut around Roadkill Collector Cruise highways looking for dead things Rock Star Live fast, die old, leave a really desiccated corpse Rogue Journalist Work the system untroubled by annoying self-doubts entertained by others, misuse the confidence placed in you by your subjects, nurture book deals Royalty / Heir Bow and wave, endure scandals Spin Doctor Position stuff Sports Bloviator Delve deep into a bottomless river of drivel Talking Head / Pundit Occupy a seat at any available table The Guy Who Says Your Car Will Be Ready by Noon We’ll fix the thing eventually. I mean, we’re waiting for a part. Definitely tomorrow, you know. By, like, lunchtime. Or right after. University Administrator Exploit graduate students Velvet Rope Nazi Establish and maintain elite fascist cadres Vice President of the United States Be prepared Wine Industry Professional Make extremely portentous and serious that which is essentially frivolous and arbitrary Writer of This Book Work way too hard for too little money Xerox Repairman Fix things so that they remain broken Yeti Be strong, silent, and mysteriously unavailable Yoga Franchiser Copyright and market wisdom of the ages You Whatever it is YOU do Conclusion Transforming your job into a bullshit job Acknowledgments Copyright