Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships

Description

Zing! Cupid’s arrow skewers a primitive part of the brain. Obediently, we fall in love amid showers of passionate fireworks, bond for a time … and then often get fed up with each other and grow irritable or numb. Perhaps we try to remodel our mate, seek solace online, or pursue a new love interest. Ancient sages recognized this biological snare and hinted at a way to dodge it: use lovemaking to balance one another and harmony arises naturally. With an entertaining blend of personal experiences, the latest neuroscience, and forgotten insights from around the globe, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow confronts current assumptions about sex and love and offers a refreshing, practical approach to sexuality. CONTENTS Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication FOREWORD PREFACE “Who’s in Charge?” Onward CHAPTER ONE: BIOLOGY HAS PLANS FOR YOUR LOVE LIFE The Coolidge Effect How Did That Work Out? Mating and Bonding, the Two Pedals Why Now? Why Me? WISDOM OF THE AGES: TAOISM CHAPTER TWO: ELEPHANTS IN THE LIVING ROOM “Be Careful What You Ask For … You May Get It” Doña Quixote Sets Out A Subtle Sense of Lack “Objects in Mirror May Be Closer than They Appear” “But I Feel Great after Orgasm!” Rowing in the Same Leaky Boat Telltale Signs? The Pitfalls of Self-Sufficiency WISDOM OF THE AGES: CHRISTIANITY CHAPTER THREE: A WHALE’S TAIL “But What about Happy Marriages?” The Bermuda Triangle of Relationships “You Just Have to Find the Right Person” More Awkward Questions Wakeup Call The Glamour Hook Beyond Resentment Mating versus Bonding Teaming Up A Tough Lesson Where Had We Erred? WISDOM OF THE AGES: HINDUISM CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE HEART OF THE SEPARATION VIRUS” “Planned Obsolescence Meet Your Mammalian Brain Ruthless Eugenics—Our Mating Program More on the Monogamy Challenge Faithful but Irritable Questioning Commitment The Link between Body and Mind Urges Are Signals Your Inner Compass Dopamine—The Sharpest Arrow in Cupid’s Quiver Enter Cupid WISDOM OF THE AGES: CORTEZIA CHAPTER FIVE: THE PASSION CYCLE The Anti-Love Potion What Goes Up Must Come Down Dopamine—The Lynchpin Addiction—Quest for More Misery Balance and Bonding Scientific Evidence of Lingering Changes after Orgasm Prolactin Testosterone and Friends What about Men? The Perception Game Tainting Love with Fear WISDOM OF THE AGES: MALE CONTINENCE CHAPTER SIX: THE ROAD TO EXCESS Yesterday’s Genes Memories That Pack a Punch “Where’s My Tribe?” The Agony of Excess Saccharin and the Shakes Porn’s Surprising Lesson “Too Much of a Good Thing … Is Even Better!” Cross-Tolerances The Plastic Brain In a Rut Deceptive Cues Dopamine and Distorted Perception Jacking Up Dopamine Reward Circuitry Overload Brain Training How Does It Feel to Be a Guinea Pig? WISDOM OF THE AGES: KAREZZA—ALICE B. STOCKHAM, MD CHAPTER SEVEN: LEARNING TO STEER The Surprising Gifts of Bonds The Loophole in Our Genes’ Plan Bonding Cues Selfless Touch versus Hungry Touch Versus Hungry Touch Back Up When Necessary “Tears in the Nursery Mates Can Strengthen Each Other The Other Way of Easing Sexual Tension Balance First Relaxation versus Performance Birth of the Ecstatic Exchanges Intercourse Tender Tango Is History Repeating Itself? WISDOM OF THE AGES: KAREZZA—J. WILLIAM LLOYD, MD CHAPTER EIGHT: SCIENCE THAT BINDS The Neurochemistry of Monogamy Warding Off the Habituation Blues How Does Companionship Protect Health? Old Brains + Modern Relationship Stress = Ill Health “Attention—Activated Amygdala” Oxytocin to the Rescue Is the “Big O” Oxytocin? Oxytocin Isn’t a “Love Drug” Is It Love, Is It Orgasm, or Is It Intercourse? A “Catch-22” What Do We Really Need from Sex? Prostate Health Unlimited Bonding versus Unlimited Mating WISDOM OF THE AGES: BUDDHISM CHAPTER NINE: BRIDGING THE GAP Mammalian Brain Pain and the Case for Karezza New Lifestyle, New Compulsions From Frying Pan to Fire Addiction and Civilization The Ideal Mood Medicine Pair-Bonding Mandate Karezza and Monogamy What to Do? Be Straightforward Know Thyself While Free of the Passion Cycle Know Thyself During the Passion Cycle “What Do I Do with This Surplus?” Treasure Your Partner, Encourage Your Friends, Be Slow to Judge Look Beneath the Froggy Costume The Myth of Self-Sufficiency Inner Work Evolutionary Collision “WISDOM OF THE AGES: RAINBOW SERPENT TRADITIONS CHAPTER TEN: THE PATH OF HARMONY Innocent Errors No Wonder Things Are Crazy Karezza Revisited Taking It Easy “Subtle Harmony Maximizing Pleasure Fleas in a Jar WISDOM OF THE AGES: TRANSORGASMIC SEX “HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS BOOK TO MY FRIENDS?” —A SYNOPSIS OF KEY IDEAS Mating—The “Habituation Pedal” Bonding—The “Harmony Pedal” THE ECSTATIC EXCHANGES Structure Details Orgasms Learning Is Learning, However It Occurs Suggestions EXCHANGE ONE: RECALIBRATING EXCHANGE TWO: FROM HABIT TO HARMONY EXCHANGE THREE: WHERE IS YOUR ATTENTION? EXCHANGE FOUR: SHAKY COMPROMISES EXCHANGE FIVE: RELAXATION EXCHANGE SIX: TO HAVE ALL, GIVE ALL EXCHANGE SEVEN: RULE BENDING EXCHANGE EIGHT: VISION EXCHANGE NINE: “HARMLESS” ACTIVITIES EXCHANGE TEN: BIOLOGY’S RULES EXCHANGE ELEVEN: IT ISN’T EASY BEING GREEN EXCHANGE TWELVE: THINKING AHEAD EXCHANGE THIRTEEN: SABOTEURS EXCHANGE FOURTEEN: INTENTION EXCHANGE FIFTEEN: NOT YET EXCHANGE SIXTEEN: CLARITY (INTERCOURSE) EXCHANGE SEVENTEEN: VIRGINITY EXCHANGE EIGHTEEN: CONSISTENCY EXCHANGE NINETEEN: QUESTIONS (INTERCOURSE) EXCHANGE TWENTY: SELF-OBSERVATION EXCHANGE TWENTY-ONE: BRAVO! NOTES ABOUT THE AUTHOR