Change Your Own Diaper: A Bachelor with No Kids Explains How to Be a Parent without Screwing Up

Description

The problem with books on how to raise kids is that all those other authors have PhDs, MDs, or kids. Luckily this author has none of those limiting factors. Instead, you get hilarious advice based on observations and assumptions with zero evidence. It’s advice that will help you be the best parent you can be whether you have a real job, a fancy job, or a trust fund. Learn the secrets to: Picking a FavoriteWinning KindergartenHow to Hide from the KidsSharingAggressive Driving for Teens ...and much more terrible advice Disclaimer ..........................................................................................................................1 Picking a Favorite ...........................................................................................................2 How to Build a Crib without Getting Divorced ...................................................4 Everyone Gets a Trophy ...............................................................................................6 Stupid Questions ...........................................................................................................8 Family Road Trip! .........................................................................................................10 Selling Your Kids on the Benefits of Bedtime ..................................................... 12 Summer Camp ............................................................................................................... 14 How to Beat Your Kid at Sports .............................................................................. 16 Trick or Treat! ................................................................................................................18 Successful Holiday Photos ......................................................................................20 Kid Divorce: Late-Stage Adoption for Teens ..................................................... 22 How to Worry about Concussions ....................................................................... 24 Sharing ............................................................................................................................ 26 No, You Can’t Get a Puppy: Preparing Your Kid for a Lifetime of Disappointment ......................................................................................................28 No Meltdowns ..............................................................................................................30 Because I Said So: Reasons Are for Wimps ............................................................................................ 32 Aggressive Driving for Teens .................................................................................. 34 Socializing Your Kid .................................................................................................... 36 Screen Time Strategies ............................................................................................. 38 Advice for Single Dads ..............................................................................................40 Advice for Single Moms ............................................................................................ 42 Yes, You Can Be a Billionaire: Accepting That Your Kids Will Do More than You ......................................................................................................... 44 How to Bond with Your Kid without Wasting All That Time .............................................................................. 46 Getting into the Best School ................................................................................... 48 There’s Always the Military ..................................................................................... 50 The Birds and the Bees ............................................................................................. 52 How to Give Up and Embrace the Chaos ............................................................ 54 Slumber Party of the Year! ....................................................................................... 56 Play Dates for Business and Love ......................................................................... 58 Why You Should Not Hire a Hot Nanny .............................................................................60 Why You Should Hire a Hot Nanny ......................................................................................62 How to Fire Your Nanny ...........................................................................................................64 Teaching Your Teen to Invest and Bet ................................................................................66 Advanced Potty Training .........................................................................................................68 Lasagna Week: Introducing Your Baby to the World ....................................................70 Winning Kindergarten .............................................................................................................. 72 How to Break Up with Your Childless Friends ................................................................ 74 How to Make New Friends When You Lose All Your Single Friends ....................... 76 How to Keep Having Sex .........................................................................................................78 If You Stop Crying, I’ll Buy You a Pony: How to Lie to Your Kids ............................. 80 Tips for Winning Couple’s Therapy .....................................................................................82 Teaching Your Teen to Drink ..................................................................................................84 How to Hide from the Kids .....................................................................................................86 How to Minimize Cock-Blocking ...........................................................................................88 How to Sell the Dad Bod Thing .............................................................................................90 How to Make a Baby .................................................................................................................92 Change Your Own Diaper! .......................................................................................................94 How to Accept All the Terrible Decisions Your Kid Will Make in College ..............96 Winning Empty Nesting, Part One: What to Talk about When You Can’t Talk about the Kids ..............................................................................................................98 Winning Empty Nesting, Part Two: Sports Cars and Sex in the Kitchen ...................................................................................100 About the Author ........................................................................................................103